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Saturday, 23 December 2017

Blogmas Day 11 - Looking Back At 2017

We are nearly at the end of the Blogmas series, and I want to start today's post by thanking you, my readers, for spending some time on each of these twelve days to come and talk to me. You have no idea just how much it means to me! This series has challenged me and changed me in such a short span of time, and yes, some of it has been incredibly tough, but I wouldn't change one second of it.

In this second-to-last post, I want to get a little more personal, and share with you guys the roller-coaster that 2017 was for me. But first, of course, let's go through the usual plugs.

I'm going to be sending out a MASSIVE early-bird announcement to my newsletter list about a big launch (and of course, another giveaway!) coming up in 2018, so if you're not on the list, join in using the form below NOW! Seriously, you do NOT want to miss this.

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A super-quick reminder: my first ever e-book, A Winner's Mind, is available for sale at a super affordable price for December only! Go grab it quickly by clicking the banner below!

Also, the Great Ideas Thinktank is always open to new members! We share some good ideas over there, as well as what we're working on, and we love cheering each other on! The Thinktank is an amazing community of love and support, and you really should join in! Click the banner below and check it out.

Alrighty, let's get into the post. Here's

2017 started at a very low note for me. (Yup, we're jumping right in.) My brain was a dark and jumbled mess, and my heart rate was almost always at a constant rate of 120 bpm. I hated waking up in the morning, and I couldn't possibly go to bed at night.

On the outside, I had a perfect life. I had an amazing room-mate (who also happened to be my best friend), I was studying on an incredibly challenging course and my grades were pretty good, I was in a serious, long-term relationship. I had clothes on my back, shoes on my feet, a cup of coffee in my hand, and some very expensive makeup on my face. And yet, the best part of my day was when I'd curl up in bed and pretend I didn't exist.

I should've seen a doctor years ago, I really should have, but the Impostor Syndrome wouldn't let me. What if I just wanted attention? What if I was just being lazy, looking for a doctor's note to get me out of studying for my exams?

However, when I woke up one day to find large scratches up and down my arm from the horrible night before, I knew I needed help.

Of course, it took me another couple of weeks before I finally found the courage to go see a GP, but I like to believe that was my turning point. If there's one thing my parents have taught me, it is to respect my body - I couldn't possibly let them down.

Obviously, I was diagnosed with moderate to severe anxiety and depression, and put on antidepressants and sleeping pills immediately. And although mental health medication gets a bad rap from almost everyone who uses it, I can honestly say that those little white and orange pills are the only reason I'm alive today.

Oh but it gets bad - so, SO bad before it gets good. I was a hazy, numb shell of a person, walking up and down hills without even noticing the traffic, skipping meals where possible, self-harming even more than I was before, passive suicidal thoughts roaming around my head as if they belonged up there. I had to change medication three times, and each new pill made me so much worse for about two to three weeks before any effect kicked in, and that's not counting the changes in dosage for each pill.

When, finally, my GP found me a combination of meds that actually worked, I cried. I cried because, not only could I feel again, I could see hope! You know that feeling of driving through a tunnel with no radio reception and barely any light, desperate to get out the other end? That was my life for about four years, except I wasn't getting anywhere. My car had broken down in the middle of a tunnel.

Until one day, someone picked the tunnel up as if it were just a lego brick, and suddenly, everything was illuminated with bright, glorious daylight! This was days before my 22nd birthday - a day I was sure I'd never see.

It's so strange to look back now and wonder just how my life had gotten to that point. How could I possibly have lost so much hope so quickly? Especially since I was living the exact life I'd always wanted to live?! Truth is, I don't really know what went wrong. All I know is one day I was a happy First Year, boasting about all A*s at my A-Levels, and the next day, I was nothing....or at least I wanted to be.

You can imagine what a relief it was for me to make it to graduation - easily the biggest day of my life, and the most terrifying. I had no plan for post-graduate studies, no job prospects. I was a graduate with a degree and nothing else, because I couldn't find it in me to get out of bed and go get work experience for the last three years. I felt shame, guilt, self-loathing...every negative emotion you've ever imagined, I've probably felt it. But, I was still here. I was wearing a gorgeous black dress, my best friend was graduating with me, and my parents were there. That was already far more than I'd expected, and I was glad.

Now, my life is completely different from anything I've ever imagined. I don't know how or when, but Bulleting Bird suddenly became my life! When I found my first thousand followers on Instagram, I knew this was no joke. So I did what I do best - put my head down and got to work.

Today, I can proudly say that I love where I am. Yes, I'm sitting on a Neuroscience degree with no lab work to show for it, but you know what? It's fine! I love that I got the degree, and I'm forever grateful for everything England has given me (including the healthcare that saved my life). Having said that, I'm also incredibly proud of my new career shift!

I love waking up each morning, knowing that the only tasks I need to do are the ones I set for myself. I love knowing that, no matter what, I've made some amazing friends online, and there are people out there witnessing my life and my work. I love my blog, and I love playing around on social media. I love the wonderful book that wrote itself through me, and I'm so proud of having stuck to such a long project. I love every single page of my journal. I've never been in a happier place in my career, personal life, creativity or health.

Yes, 2017 had its challenges, and yes, there were some difficult moments that I wasn't sure I'd make it out of alive.

And you know what?

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Bulleting Bird is on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Facebook and Tumblr. You can also get in touch with me via E-Mail, even just to say hi!

Read the rest of the Blogmas Series:

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